May 26, 2004

Only In Hollywood
Posted by McQ

Lightening it up a bit, have you ever noticed, according to Hollywood movies:

  • The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you inside, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty?

  • You're likely to survive any battle of any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home?

  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman and to waist level on the man lying beside her?

  • If being chased through town you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick Day parade any time of the year?

  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off?

  • A detective can solve a case only when he's been suspended from duty?

  • Medieval peasants had perfect teeth?

  • Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant?

  • It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting?

  • When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill. Just grab one at random and hand it over. I will always be the exact fare.

    Hat tip to American Legion magazine for those. I remember back in the old days when watching the TV series "Combat", the rule was if there's a guest star, he's a dead man. Seemed to always work out that way.

    Any other "only in Hollywood" contributions?

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    • Comments

    Trek, red shirt, dead man.

    Posted by: Bithead at May 26, 2004 01:01 PM

    Republican is always evil

    Posted by: shark at May 26, 2004 01:49 PM

    Not so much any more, but still:
    If there's a group of people who are going to die and there's only one black guy, he dies first.

    Also:
    Never have sex while a serial killer is loose; you're going to die (probably naked).

    Posted by: A fine scotch at May 26, 2004 01:56 PM

    Every computer has an easy-to-use graphical interface which, upon first boot, cheerfully asks for a password.

    Even alien computers have this feature and, obligingly enough, can interface perfectly with Earth computer operating systems.

    Downloading a bad guys' file takes exactly one second less than it takes for the guard to open the door to the office you're in. This is true regardless of the file size or the or the distance of the guard from the door.

    Posted by: Jimmie at May 26, 2004 02:00 PM

    Those same ventilation shafts aren't filled with 20 years of dead skin flakes, mold, grease, and other detrius. They are always incredibly clean.

    Guns of the good guys never empty, and are precision guided munition capable. Bad guys nearly always miss ( except guest stars and those foolish enough to show pictures of sweetie back home.

    Only those required for humor or drama purposes are ugly/fat/both.

    High speed chases with large powerful cars never end with an empty tank of gas.

    Posted by: Chris Van Dis at May 26, 2004 02:01 PM

    Even if it hasn't rained in months, you can always count on streets being wet at night.

    Posted by: SaveFarris at May 26, 2004 03:15 PM

    Teen promiscuity or drinking = impending murder

    All it takes for a sad-sack team of losers to turn it around is team spirit and self-confidence


    Beautiful women always fall for the sensitive guy with the heart of gold

    Posted by: shark at May 26, 2004 03:17 PM

    There is a list of The Top 100 Things I'd Do
    If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord.
    http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html

    Basically it address the mistakes all movie/comic book villians make.

    Example
    I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

    Posted by: Frank Castle at May 26, 2004 10:00 PM